This summer has been one of the best of my life. If I write that down now, I’ll really be able to feel it later.

This is what I mean:

Right now, I feel torn between wanting to be at college badly, and not wanting my summer to end. But I know it must.

I think: What else would I be doing if I took, say, a gap year?

All my friends are at school, save one who’s taking a gap year himself. But as much as I’d like to, and I’d really like to, I wouldn’t be able to hang out with him every day. I’d have to have a life, and I’d have to be productive. That’s the hard truth, and for me it’s been really hard to internalize even though for many people they have the innate ability to think like this from the beginning.

Another thing: I’m also a bit scared about the future. I’m afraid that things won’t be the same: and they wont. Going over to people’s houses and killing time after school, stuff like that.

I’m deathly, deathly afraid of this change. It will come though, and I know I’ll adapt. I just think: fucking damn it-the only free time I’ll ever have to hang at my friend’s houses will be during vacations. And my fucking school isn’t generous with the days off.

So it’s hard for me to really be thinking about how this was the best summer ever (excluding Japan of course), because I’m thinking about how there’s so much to get in order in the future.

I’ve been talking to people who are just out of college, and their lives are starting, they’re really adults. And that scares me out of my mind. I mean, do they see people anymore? Or do they only associate with new people. I’m so nervous I could cry. And I can’t really vocalize these worries to anyone properly, so whenever I’ve talked about it with anyone, people just say I’m overreacting. But I’m not.

See, unlike many of the adults I know, I have very good friends from high school that I want to keep for the rest of my life. I know when I meet good people and I know that I’ll want to know them forever. Because in the end, that’s all anyone ever has-the people they grow old with.

Stuff like this grabs me and shakes me silly.

But, like everything else, I’ll figure it out somehow. I imagine that I’ll still see my old friends (and I don’t have many so it can’t be that hard) and I know, I know, I’ll make new ones. But after college, my real life will hopefully have begun and I’ll be in a situation to organize my free time, I’m sure. Girlfriend/boyfriend and future family stuff aside, I know there’ll be time for myself.

I’ll still see movies with my friends, play video games with them, hang at their houses. It’ll all happen. And it’ll happen in a good way. It just kills me to have to wait for it…